Ever noticed you laugh more after a drink? Not only does a little alcoholic lubrication of the funny bone put you in the mood for a good giggle, but the situations that occur around drinking are often quite ridiculous. So pour a glass. Here’s some of the best humour around drinking and wine.

 

Stand-up Comedians and Wine Jokes

Not the Nine o’Clock News

This sketch appeared on the show ‘Not the Nine O’Clock News’ with the comedy legends Billy Connolly, Rowan Atkinson and Mel Smith in the sketch. In scruffy clothes, Billy and Rowan barge into a pub. Tension builds in the silence as the landlord, Mel, and Billy lock eyes.

Billy: “Hey, you.”

Mel: “Alright.”

Billy: “Is Jimmy ‘Chainsaw’ McFee in here tonight?”

Mel: “No.”

Billy: “What about Jock ‘the Knee Cruncher’?”

Mel: “No.”

Billy: “What about ‘Stick the Boot in His Head and Ask Questions Later’ McDonald?”

Mel: “No.”

Billy: “‘Hacksaw’ Haggarty – the Hen Choker?”

Mel: “No.”

Billy breathes a sigh of relief and asks, “Can I have a dry white wine please?”

 

If you’re a man, and you want to drink dry white wine, that’s perfectly fine. It’s also acceptable to drink rose now – it’s the law. In fact, try Tarima Rosado. Robert Parker gave it 89 points. We won’t tell Jock ‘the Knee Cruncher’ either.

Buy now.

 

Mitch Hedberg:

“I saw this wino. He was eating grapes. So I was like ‘Dude! You have to wait’.”

“I like to drink red wine. This girl said [to me], ‘Doesn’t it give you a headache?’. ‘Yeah, eventually. But the first and middle part are amazing.’ I’m not going to stop doing something because of what happens at the end. ‘Mitch – do you want an apple?’ ‘No, eventually it’ll be a core’.”

 

David Mitchell:

“I don’t need a sommelier to recommend a bottle of wine to me. The wine list already tells you how good the wine is in money. “Oh look – that wine’s £30 good. I’ll have that one please.’”

 

Grant Lyon:

“I drove home drunk from a wine tasting, because there’s something about wine tasting that makes you feel invincible. A cop pulled me over, and he was like ‘Excuse me Sir, your breath smells like wine.’ I was like ‘No. It smells like cherry and a hint of oak. Swish me around…You’ve got to let me breathe. Unlock the aroma.’”

 

Anonymous:

No – these aren’t from the internet hacking collective. Some unknown wit came up with them, and they’ve since entered culture at large:

1.)

“A new study suggests that drinking wine prolongs your life. Looks like I’m going to be immortal.”

2.)

“If I ever go missing, put my face on the side of a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me.”

3.)

There are two steps to enjoying good wine.

Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

4.)

Wine does not make you fat. On the contrary, it makes you lean.

5.)

Did you know that drinking 2 to 3 glasses of wine per day reduces your chances of giving a shit?

6.)
“I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.”

7.)

It’s important to have a positive mental attitude. A pessimist will say ‘My glass is half empty’. An optimist will say ‘My glass is half full.’ But a realist will say ‘My glass needs a refill.’

 

If You Liked These…

You may want to read ‘12 Wine Puns to Use at Your Next Dinner Party’. They’re also good for a private giggle with yourself.

 

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